Being broken up with, by a guy who then tells your friends you were never seeing each other, has to be one of the most painful and humiliating experiences of my life. Especially when you have been infatuated with the guy for years and you have to think - SHIT, did I read it wrong, am I going out of my mind??? Have I literally just made this up and my fantasies didn't become reality? AM I INSANE!!! 

Well I wasn't, and he is an absolute big headed, Gareth Gates hair styled, Knobber (definitely not bitter). I still have the pleasure on occasion of seeing and hanging out with this man - why do we do this to ourselves?? 

Anywhooo...

After several days of crying and starving myself I then turned to booze and food. My two favourite things in the world. Yes, more than people on occasion. Cheese was my substance of choice and ice cream, on occasion both together, don't judge me.

I believe at this point my friends had become seriously concerned because for once, I wasn't vocal. I didn't bash men, I didn't tell them how tiny his penis was, I didn't even discuss how turning lesbian would make life so much easier: actually I didn't really say anything. Which as you can guess, for me, is very odd.

My Self pity had got to an all time low when a few friends had asked me for drinks. I turned up, miserable, looking like crap, and ready to drink. They turned up happy, looking glamorous and ready to drink and get me drunk.

So drink we did. We drank a lot. Soo much. Probably too much because then this happened...

Deciding to move he party outside and smoking like a chimney one of my best friends joined me. We decided that sitting cross legged on top of high smoking tables was the most comfy seat in house, not a health and safety issue at all.

"Come on, what can I do to cheer you up...anything"

"Nothing" - so fucking miserable it's ridiculous - I'm ashamed 

"There must be something"

"The only thing right now that would make me laugh is if you wet yourself"

I honestly said this statement as I wanted to continue to be miserable and I believed this to be the only thing she wouldn't actually do...

"Ok"

Then the trickle happened. I looked over and she was doing it. She hadn't moved an inch, and was casually going for a wee outside a pub, sat on a smoking table.

"Naaaaaaaaaat, it's wetter than I thought, I need to go to the bathroom and remove my pants"

Its wetter than I thought....

Friends are better than boys.

Wetting yourself guarentees a laugh from someone